I am beginning to notice that most people I speak to about May's procedures seem to think that I will need someone with me other than Chris. It seems that most people I speak to would prefer a bit of company were they to witness their child going through all of these things themselves.
Is it odd that I prefer to be alone if Chris can't be there? It certainly seems to surprise people.
I was thinking about it yesterday and this morning as I was talking to Chris (at 3am his time) while on my way to UCLA with May. I think the best explanation I have to offer is that I am different with this type of thing. I have been as long as I can remember, the type of person who requires solitude to grieve in a way that is efficient and complete. Then I am over it and ready to move on. Sort of a one-time purging that will not happen in it's entirety until I am left alone to do it. Now that I am a believer in Christ, it is even more necessary to me. Christ is the only one who can do anything for her. Were anyone to be with me (aside from my husband) I would be distracted from thoughts of God. I would feel pressured to restrain emotion, to provide strength, support and conversation to those persons present and, in the end of the day, feel as though I should have witnessed more of the situation. I would feel as though I missed something I could never get back.
I think a lot of Mary treasuring things in her heart before the Lord. What does that really mean? What, exactly did she meditate on? She had just delivered our King as a baby. She was not about to face the easiest of times for a young lady, though she was surrounded by joyous news of promised future grace and salvation for the world. What did she treasure?
I never got the impression that she paid attention to anyone else that was there staring and worshiping at the baby she held in her arms. (aside from the angels- how could you miss those guys?)
I don't really know how to explain my thoughts about this without rambling....but when I go alone to things like this, I feel like I am so close to "getting it". so close to knowing what it means to really treasure things in my heart before the Lord. I don't go alone when I go alone- I go with Him.
In the absence of my husband on Earth, the Healer is my "Ishi"- my husband. The One who offers support and comfort while hearing the groaning of my heart without having to ask me if I am ok and without requiring me to respond. He just knows. I can sit and meditate before Him and know that he hears my thoughts and my heart so deeply that I don't even have to try to find words. How deep His love for me is. He is my Hosea. He will always come for me. What would anyone else's presence do that His cannot?
So, I go alone. I prefer it unless Chris is able to come with me. For it is when I go alone that He is closest by my side.
(She did well today. She came out of anesthesia very quickly and alertly. She ate 6 oz of glucosamine 10 minutes after she woke up. she ate "real food" 30 minutes after that just before we went home. All of these things were answers to specific prayers. The nurses repeatedly commented on the fact that she didn't cry very much and seemed to be a calm baby. I KNOW that is a gift from God. the less she cried, the less I cried. )
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